Comic relief

Allow me to post this compilation of idiocy courtesy of my officemate Ross. These are tongue-in-cheek jokes allegedly quoted from faceless and famous personalities. I hope it will make your day, just like it did with the rest of us in the office when this was forwarded to us. Cheers!


1. An Eat Bulaga contestant was asked by Joey and Vic: Ano sa Tagalog ang grasshopper? Contestant: Ahmm. . .Huling Hapunan?
2. It was an ex-PBB housemate (1st batch) who said this: Big Brother, ginagawa po nila ako laughing stuff
3. In Wowowee, the question was: Kung ang sigaw ay shout sa Inggles, ano naman sa Tagalog ang whisper? The contestant answered: Napkin!
4. While watchng the news yesterday about a kid killed by a bulldozer, our maid commented: Kaya ayoko mag-alaga ng aso eh
5. My friend and I were walking up the stairs of our schools new bldg. She said out of nowhere: Imagine mo kung di ginawa tong bldg, umaakyat tayo sa hangin?
6. My cousin at a DRIVE-THRU: Miss, puwedeng take out?
7. Nadia Montenegro promoting her movie: Please watch The Life Story of Julie Vega, opening na po on the twenty-twoth of November.
8. In a burger joint I heard a man say: Miss, isa ngang amusing aloha at saka kidney meal. Server: Dine in po ba or to go? The man answered: Ayoko ng sago!
9. I was making cookies at home when I ran out of cookie sheets, so I called our maid and said: Manang bili ka nga ng cookie sheet. And she replied: Ano po, solo o litro? (coke is it)
10. My friend said: Ang galing no, yung Ash Wednesday last year , Miyerkules din pumatak!
11. A non-Christian vendor selling a Last Supper painting: Maam bili po kayo ng frame, maganda po ito, Hesus and Company.
12. While watching Apollo 13, after she heard the line: Houston , we have a problem. My ex-girlfriend asked: Sino si Houston ?
13. My aunt was going to the US for the 1st time. She told us: Nagpapabili ang tita niyo ng autistic guitar. Saan ba nakakabili nun?
14. We were marketing for an org event, when one of my orgmates wanted to clear the definition of the types of sponsors (Major, Minor, Patron, etc.) So she asked her grandma: Lola, anong mas mataas sa Patron? Her lola replied: Patron? Eh di Shell!
15. Also in a gameshow. Host: Ano sa Tagalog ang teeth? Contestant: Utong!
16. I once heard an emcee say: Lets give her a warm of applause!
17. One classmate in highschool said, Ang cute naman ng sintas mo, luminou! I corrected him and said, luminous! Then he replied, Oo nga pala, plural!
18. Barker ng bus: Ah Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao!!! Pasahero: Boss, Cubao?
19. Sa isang gameshow, tinanong ng host: Anong P ang Tagalog ng storey o floor ng building? Contestan: PIP PLOR!
20. An officemate of ours told us a story about driving alone in her car: Alam niyo, pag nag-iisa ako, feeling kowala akong kasama
21. I had a customer on the line who had a password on his account. I asked for the password but he forgot. I gave him a clue: Its a 4-digit number. He answered, UhmROCKY?
22. I overheard a lady place an order at Starbucks: One cup of chino please.
23. An officemate once asked: Saan sa Quezon City ang Mandaluyong?
24. I had a meeting with a friend and I noticed that both of us were wearing stripes. He suddenly blurted out: Uy, stripes din! Its the color of the day!
25. My sister said of our neighbor who was our arch enemy: Mamatay na sana kapitbahay natin! I told her not to say that, coz it might bounce back to us. Then she said, Ah ganun ba yun? In that case, mamatay na sana tayo!
26. When I saw that I got a missed call, I said, Hey, I got a missed call! My friend said, Anong sabi?
27. From the gameshow The Weakest Link. Host Edu Manzano asked: Anong T ang ibinibigay ng konduktor pag nagbayad ka ng pamasahe sa bus? Ian Veneracion answered: TUKLI!
28. We were reviewing for an exam and we were already dead tired. A classmate said, Hala, brownout! Pagtingin namin, nakapikit pala siya.
29. A call center agent told a foreign customer regarding the changing of the due date of her credit card: Maam, I already changed your monthly period.
30. A home economics teacher asked us: How do you make wet floor and tow duff? Translation: How do you make wheat flour and tough dough.
31. During a shower party for my friend, the married women were giving tips on the dos & donts of sexual intercourse, when the bride asked: Hindi ba kasama yung betlog sa pinapasok?
32. Melanie Marquez: Ang tatay ko lang ang only living legend na buhay pa