mood swings

I've been in a nauseating mood swing lately. One day am just contented being a good wife and a mother, the next day I am swallowed by my insecurities that always end up having something to do with being friggin' jobless. This is already wearing and tearing me down. I hate the feeling. I dont want to be depressed anymore or see myself stucked in a muddy rut that I cant get out of.
Sometimes I remind myself why I resigned in the first place: to be with the kids, to be able to cook lunch and dinner, go to the palengke (my favorite place), design accessories, clean our room, watch tv, anything that won't tie me to the office everyday.
It's exhausting doing the same thing for eight years. Parang wala ng bago sa ginagawa mo. That was also another reason why I left my writing job. I felt that everything was already clockwork. The excitement has waned.
Now here I am, pondering about the missed opportunities, the many "what ifs" while I roll the vacuum cable into a neat coil. I miss writing. I miss my friends in that office way before there exists the PRETENDERS. I even miss my former boss' scolding and her shrill voice while she summons the lady guard to carry her things. She was mean, yes, but she had the heart of a mother...always the protective mother to her brood.
I and my colleagues used to joke about her wild temper and how tech-UNsavvy she was. But then the time came when she had to put down the pen. After all, she was not getting any younger although she remained to have the most retentive memory among us. We wept when she left us. I remember I cant even look straight to her eyes because I didnt want her to see my own fear, like a baby taking her first steps.
I heard that they have a new office there now. A stylish one replete with flat screens, two secretaries to answer pesky PRs, and a spanking clean space. Nonetheless, I still prefer our old cubicle, the rickety chairs and computers, the electric fan that wont turn on, the layout board that doubles as our dining table, the dirty floors full of press releases and spilled food. Most of all, I miss the people I worked with back then. At least a few of them who have become my closest friends. They say that you only get to keep five true friends in your lifetime. I guess I found some of them in that office. And if only for that reason, I dont regret working in that office, however despicable the people and environment have become now.